So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
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Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*