So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
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Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Its a hippotatomus
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?