So jealous of the roads getting plowed right now.
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Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The pasta is now
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I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man