So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
You Might Also Like
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!