@TravLeBlanc

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

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@luvleelyd

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

@Ndeshi_M

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

@markedly

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

@jonnysun

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

@TweetPotato314

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

@Dani_Feld

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

@Bahstonlady

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

@SteveSuckington

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

@carlyken

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money