So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
You Might Also Like
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Beauty and the Beast
cats when you pet them too long:
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.