So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
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My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.