So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Anime is real
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Buck naked
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?