So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
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Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
🔦🌙👣
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
San Francisco has too many rules
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”