So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
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*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
bears
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already