So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
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i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.