so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
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[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence