So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
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[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Basically.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes