so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
NASA has no chill
I’m pretty like a car crash.