So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
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I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!