So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
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A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
According to math, I’m broke
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Cat.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Duolingo getting serious.