So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
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[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Time for evil
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.