So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.