So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
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I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
all that yoga finally paid off
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.