So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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Just me?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
🤣🤣🤣
i wish all
whales
a very
big
The only equipped I am is ill.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.