So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
A short story about romance.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.