So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
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I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.