So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
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{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.