so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
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If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.