So many village idiots. So few dragons.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert