So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

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And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.


Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.


[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.


Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.


Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”


[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton


It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it


You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler