@68Cly29
@HooeyDr And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
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@HooeyDr 
@Megatronic13 Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
@OhNoSheTwitnt My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
@AtticusFinch79 [face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
@AriannaDantone hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
@Josievorenkamp Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
@stephenjmolloy [Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
@PleaseBeGneiss [showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
@puppy_eggs It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
@wildrainbow2 You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler