so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.