So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
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When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
My brain is a bad influence on me
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another