So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
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he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
choose your gary
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.