Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works