So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Home #decor warning.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
If only.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.