So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”