So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
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Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
When your man makes a valid point
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
How I like cutting carbs
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*