So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.