So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
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hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.