So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
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If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Terribly Tuesday.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle