So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
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I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road