So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
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9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
How animals would run if they were human
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Based Erika
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything