So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
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i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Venn
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.