so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
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lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN