So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers