So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
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Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me