So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
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what it’s like dating me:
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Poetry is my passion