So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
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I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat