So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
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Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
the battle rages on
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog