So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”


Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class


4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth


I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.


I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography


They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.


No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.


I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.


I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.