@Halbeerz

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

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@RachelMComedy

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

@caithuls

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

@Tobi_Is_Fab

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

@TurnpikeTony

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

@leannuh

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

@JPHaddadio

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

@DairylandDon

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

@DartsBofficial

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

@WilliamAder

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.