So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
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Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
These aliens are taking forever.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.