so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
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I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now