so no one told you life was gonna be this way
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It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.