So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I think this should do it.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”