So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
You Might Also Like
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?