Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?

Me: No.

H: Who did then?

Me: Ninjas.

H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.

Me: They’re very good ninjas.

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.