So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
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He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.