So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
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ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
craving $300 all of a sudden
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.