So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
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my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”