So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
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God making man in his image was the original selfie
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
girls literally only want one thing..
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex